Comfortable in Silence
I’ve realised lately that my life has become much quieter.
Okay, so that might sound pretty obvious given we’re in lock-down, but hear me out…
When I was dedicating my life to “partying” (aka being in a constant state of inebriation to avoid reality), I couldn’t bear being alone or silence. I actively made sure I was always with someone, and in those dreaded moments I had to be alone, I would blast music through my headphones or speaker. Being alone and in silence was terrifying. It left me alone with my thoughts and frankly, I just didn’t want to deal with them. I didn’t want it to be quiet enough for me to hear my unhappiness. I didn’t want to be alone long enough to allow the painful question of what’s wrong with me to start creeping in. I was hiding from myself, which was a lonely experience no matter how many people I surrounded myself with.
Now that I’m rocking the teetotal life, I actually enjoy the quiet. When I take Huckleberry out for a walk, I leave my headphones at home and listen to the world around me; a world I’m now a fully conscious participant in. I sit in complete silence while indulging in my morning coffee and let my thoughts roam freely. I’m no longer afraid to be alone and I challenge myself to question who I am and how I’m behaving. I realise now that in doing so, I’m able to grow.
I knew that giving up the booze would change my life in so many ways, but I never anticipated that being comfortable in silence would be one of them. It’s a welcome surprise. Plus, I probably won’t need a hearing aid at 30 now – bonus!