Coffee, Croissants and a dash of denial
“I made the decision there and then that I would simply have to give up giving up drinking. I needed to embrace booze, accept it, go with it: I had to stop trying to be something I wasn’t. […] Yes, that was my problem: I was too uptight about drinking, too anxious about it, and if I was going to do it, I might as well do it properly” – Glorious Rock Bottom
When I read those words the other night, lay in bed and feeling desperately sorry for myself after a session with friends got out of hand (read I didn’t get in till 11 am), it hit me: I’d fallen into that twisted way of thinking. Despite all I’d learned and my own experiences, I’d let alcohol whisper sweet nothings to me about how I don’t need to completely quit, I just need to find balance. I needed to relax and just enjoy drinking again.
Well, what a load of crap.
I am not, nor have I ever been, someone who can just enjoy drinking. Like most things in my life, drinking falls into the full steam ahead with no boundaries category. That’s okay because not being able to control poison isn’t a weakness, it’s a part of being human.
I love that as I keep moving forward on the sober curious journey, I put together more and more aha moments. They keep giving me more truths to build my new, better, healthier life on. With each of these moments, alcohol gets pushed further to the preliminaries of my life and one day, I’ll push it straight of the cliff and out of sight.
I strayed a little (p’ah a lot) last weekend, but I learnt something too. That I’m blindsiding myself with some good old-fashioned denial.
This weekend? Well, I’m snug as a bug writing this on a hangover-free Saturday, coffee and croissants at hand. I’ve cancelled tonight’s boozy plans in favour of a cosy night in with J and Huckleberry. Bliss.
If, like me, you’re struggling to keep sobriety in the bag, just remember that steps in the right direction, no matter how small, keep us moving forward. We can do this, and we will do this.
Have a fabulous weekend everyone!