A Close Call with Cravings
Last night I had a close call with cravings and I nearly drank. I nearly gave up on sober spring and cracked open a cold bottle of Amstel from the fridge. It amazed me that there was Amstel still in the fridge for me to consider drinking – J bought them days ago, yet here they remained, only two down. I marvelled at my J’s self-control; had I of bought those beers, I’d of drank them and replaced them at least twice by now. How does he do it?
In an attempt to distract myself from the craving that seemed to have wrapped itself around my very soul, I took Huckleberry for a walk. For the first time since I quit, it didn’t help. The glorious sunshine was triggering, transporting me back to days spent in beer gardens with friends, sipping on G&Ts without a care in the world….
Couldn’t I just have one?
By the time I returned home, my addictive voice was back to full power. I had a video call with my brother who was downing bottles like he was scared the world was going to run out and I wondered why can’t I drink if everyone else is? I want to have fun! My brother has long been my partner in crime when it comes to drinking. We are the devils on each other’s shoulders.
You’re being boring.
I told J how I was feeling – wonderful, supportive, honest J. He told me it wasn’t worth it and to remember how proud I would feel if I completed sober spring. I whined that he’d had his two beers and he patiently explained that they hadn’t made him feel any better. I still wasn’t convinced.
Go on, everyone else is…
Then, a little while later, J came into the room and lay on the bed. I was sat at the desk waiting for my brother to reappear on the screen when J said, “those beers have made me sleepy”. It clicked: drinking always made me tired. It didn’t lift me up or enhance the fun, it dulled it. Alcohol didn’t add positive things to my life; it stole them from me, time and time again. After that, the craving disappeared, and I was back in control.
F*ck you addictive voice – I can do this. I WANT to do this. I choose sober.
Later, I thanked J for his help and told him I think I’m happier without alcohol. He confirmed this and delicately reminded me that he doesn’t think alcohol “agrees” with me; it often made me feel very sad and angry.
Last night was the strongest craving I’ve had and I’m so glad I didn’t give in. I thought I was confident in my sobriety but last night was a humbling reminder that I’m still new to this and I have a lot to learn. So, I’m going to spend today re-focusing on why I’m on this journey and re-arming myself with the tools I need. I will have no more close calls with cravings! Next time that addictive voice comes calling, I’ll be ready!