Christmas and my Drinking Paradox
Only 11 days until Christmas! How exciting: I bloody love Christmas. I love the Christmas films, Christmas songs, gift buying, the fancy wrapping paper, the fairy lights and I used to love using it all as an excuse to get wasted but things seem to be changing…
This time last year I was using the “f*ck it, it’s Christmas” excuse to the extreme. I was drunk as a skunk and high as a kite for most of the festivities. I was stumbling through life with the distinct feeling I was drowning but couldn’t see the life raft in front of me because, well, I was too bloody drunk to see much. I never, ever want to live my life that way again, thus is probable seems paradoxical that I gave myself this December off from sobriety but in my messy head, there was method in the madness.
At the beginning of the month, I decided to give myself “Christmas off” meaning I could have a drink if I wanted one and start afresh in January. I thought that with the big move, the meeting new people and the expectation from others that I’d be drinking, it would be easier to get through this Christmas with a hall pass to drink if I wanted. It turns out, I don’t want to. I haven’t drunk much but I can feel how the occasional beer here or there doesn’t agree with me. I can feel the drink darkening my pink cloud skies and I no longer enjoy it. I have random and spontaneous moments of thinking a Christmas drink would be a great idea, then not too long after wonder what I’m doing and pop the kettle on instead. The truth is, I’m finding having the option to drink far more stressful and anxiety-inducing than simply not drinking at all.
Anyway, the point in all this rambling is to make sense of it in my head by putting it into words, and also to share with those who may find themselves in a similar situation, so they know that they’re not alone.
I’ve found that a few drinks here and there no longer serve me, at all. It’s not necessarily a new realisation but it is a reminder and a show of how far in the sober curious journey I’ve come. I’m no longer up to my old blacking out drunk tricks and I’m no longer trying to consume as much alcohol and drugs as possible. Instead, I’m once again proving that a sober life if the one for me.